Fielding the canine dream team

Although there is no scientific evidence to back this up, I have made an observation that I think may be worthy of study concerning the Coronavirus: It makes women’s hair turn gray. I have noticed in recent days many women who normally have blonde or brunette hair suddenly have gray roots or stands of white hair. I am not really sure what the correlation might be, but for a few million dollars I would be glad to research the topic, maybe it could lead to a vaccine or cure.

Ironically, I haven’t noticed it so much in men. Many men have gray hair any way, but I do think their hair might be growing faster because there are some bushy hairdos out there. Just an observation.

I never really thought of myself as the kind of sports geek who would go into some kind of withdrawal if there were no sports to watch, but I must admit I am having issues. I actually watched a couple innings of a Korean baseball game last week. The caliber of play was about that of a high school squad and it took more than a half hour for the starting pitcher to get out of the top of the first inning.

It did look like a typical game at a major league venue like Tampa, because there was no one in the stands. It was funny, however, as they piped in sounds to make it sound like a crowd was watching. But maybe even more of a sign of sports withdrawal, I actually had this conversation with my son last week: If dogs could play football, what breed would be the best at each position? This was an actual conversation.

Among our observations were that the offensive line would be made up of Saint Bernards: not fast, but big and difficult to move. On the defensive line there would most likely be Great Danes, big animals with some speed and the ability to fight through the offensive line. Linebacking would be manned, or dogged, by German Shepherds and pit bulls, each possessing some size, but also speed and agility.

In the defensive backfield you would likely use your retrievers as cornerbacks and some kind of hound, like a German Shorthair at the safety spot.

Quarterback is a tough call because as we all know, dogs don’t have thumbs, so chucking the ball down the field could prove problematic. I opt for a beagle for three major reasons: they are smart, Snoopy is a beagle and my dog is a beagle mix and since I am making up the rules, I get the choice.

The wide receivers would have to be speedy, so I opt for Greyhounds. At tight end, a boxer would probably do the trick. At fullback you would use bulldogs, because let’s face it, a fullback looks like a bulldog. There were many choices for running backs, but I decided on small maneuverable types, so a terrier or a dog of that ilk would be the most effective.

Rounding out the squad would be the kickers for which I chose Chihuahuas. Like kickers on regular football teams, this is the weird breed that actually could serve no real purpose on a football field.

For coaching, there could be no better choice that an old brown basset hound. The droopy jowls and eyes remind me of virtually every old-time coach I have ever met.

Finally, parading on the sidelines cheering the gridiron canines on would be the cheerleading squad of poodles. In the stands will be an assortment of Cockers, Pomeranians and Dachshunds, all totally oblivious to the game and simply looking for a good party.

Again, this was an actual conversation and I believe if it proves anything it is men will figure out a way to talk about sports, no matter what. I am now left with only one real question. Is that whole gray hair thing going to come back and bite me in the butt?


More Stories